So I got a job at my old club back. I am really happy about it too....I will be waitressing on fridays and saturdays and hopefully making up to 700 for those two shifts a week!

my boss says whenever i feel ready i can also pick up a few dancing shifts. so ill be a dancer/ waitress.... im very excited bc my old club is still home to many good friends of mine and good friends of B's.....so being around positive low key energy is what i need in my life...

anxiety free...

im happy...

i finally signed up for facebook and i secretly love it. Dont ask me why.... I refuse to get a twitter account though..... lol

Long Time No Post

The weather has been nice and all my plants are growing awesome. My herbs are growing exceptionally well :D yay!

I havent been doind a whole lot of anything. like today i slept until 11, then i layed on the couch for another hour or two then I got my lazy ass up and went tanning, then went to Panera Bread to have lunch. HAHAA! I am living like a spoiled brat and loving every second of it.

I havent been on here bc a lot of my blogroll consists of strippers/hookers and their stories....but lately i just dont wanna hear it. i dont care about stupid crap that goes on in a strip club. i am just so beyond done that it feels so goos and i am ready to start filling up my days and nights with other, more productive things. Stripping was not productive for me towards the end. It was very very destructive actually!! I am proud of myself for breaking freee hahaaa lol

xoxoxoxo

=)

Last night me and Brian hung out with some friends around a campfire.... :)

Something about late night fires really makes me feel so good about my life. It enlightens me ..... if that makes sense.... :)


Anyway....... I peeled off my fake nails. Gawd those things are hideous. My real nails are tender now but I have been nursing them with this protein shit. It just feels good to get the stripper off of me!

OH! And my legs (and other things :) are suppppper fuzzy right now because I am going to get waxed for the first time ever next week LOOOOLL What am I thinking?? I have no idea. I want smooth pretty skin and I am tired of shaving! B says it is going to hurt like HELL. I bet it willl but I will probably pop a Vicodin before going in there for sureeee!

Brian has been home for a while so thats always great! i LOVE when he is home for a few weeks...but then that means when he does go, he'll be gone a while...
BUT I am just going to enjoy having him here and not get to hung up on him leaving.

Today I took a nap in the hammock out back and I plan on doing the same tomorrow :)

new day dawning

I am starting to feel much, much better :) Thanks for asking.

It's another gorgeous day out here! I love the lake and the park and everything about this town. I am incredibly lucky to be living the life that I am. Everything about last week just confirmed that to me!

Today I may go get my car washed (it needs it REALLY bad), and stop at the Library.

Any suggestions on books I should check out? I usually just go throught them for a few hours and come home with a stack of books that look good :) But suggestions would be cool.

I have noticed that most of my other favorite bloggers have taken breaks from posting as well......maybe the nice weather has gotten everyone outside?

Tonight is Carne Guisada taco night :) Carne Guisada is incredibly EASY authentic taco beef filling make from stew meat and spices and its gonna be yummy! Homeade tortillas too!

xoxo

Endings

My boss freaked out on me again during the meeting. I mean REALLY?? Is it really THAT big of a deal that you feel the need to turn bright red and all your veins are bulging and you are spitting on me while you are fucking screaming at me??

Im sorry. I wont subject myself to verbal abuse and weirdness. Your club isnt even that great anymore. Your girls are busting their asses to make 200 dollars and all you care about is whether or not this IDIOT is comfortable and having a great time??? He insulted 2 of your best girls and you do nothing.

The best thing about Shotgun Willies is the amazing girls I met there.

I am going to be spending some time with my family and just AWAY from there.

Obviously I did not deserve the punishment....but in a way he gave me eexactly what I have been hoping for!!!

Craaaaap

I slept on it last night. I cried all night. Not because of what happened really but more because.......this shit happens ALL THE TIME in strip clubs, Why did he feel the need to freak out and let loose in the office on my and get SO mad like that. It was really uncalled for and unprofessional. And really really mean. People tell me i am overly sensitive and whatever maybe i am...but holy cow.

I texted him this morning "Am I suspended for the rest of the weekend?"

he wrote back "Nope you have a meeting with my before work tonight"


WHAT THE FUCK. Why?! So he can humiliate me again? Upset me again? Make me cry right before my Friday night shift??? Thanks. I appreciate it.

Why cant he just leave it alone. Why does he feel the need to play my Dad and lecture me over what I did wrong. I am not one of your kids I dont need to be scolded like a child.



I know that I have a bad attitude at times and I am sorry. It is something I have been in trouble for all my life. I was always the girl that talked back or had to have the last word. I feel this is because I wasn't heard in my household growing up....I was the middle child with the big heart that nobody paid attention too.....so in some way i get very uncomfortable and defensive naturally towards people...i tend to want to prove that how they treated me was wrong.

And he is right in a certain sense because I should be more professional as well when dealing with issues that come up in the club. But I feel I would have more incentive to act appropriately towards these cocksuckers if I knew management would deal with them the right way.

But they never do and never will. They just tell the customer: "I am sorry for what happened, I will deal with that girl, enjoy your drink...better yet here's a ticket for a FREE drink"

Bullshit.

But that's life I guess.

EAT SHIT

Soooooooooooooo Im just supposed to bite my tounge??

Whatever....you can bully me and degrade me and try to make me feel like I am in the wrong- BUT I KNOW I AM IN THE RIGHT. YOU, my friend, are in the wrong.

Who the fuck do you think you are anyway??

I am a strong woman. I was raised to stick up for myself and those I love. So when some COCKY asshole decides that he wants to take his pathetic life out on me and my friend while we are TRYING to fucking dance for him I am just supposed to ignore him and giggle and pretend I didn't hear how he said me and my friend are not worth TWO DOLLARS??

I'm sorry. Its just really hard for me to stand by and let that happen.

Also- I think its awesome how everytime I need you for something you are NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. NEVER. I tried to find you and let you know what that asshole said to us....but I couldnt find u anywhere- go figure.

So tomorrow I will come in to work early so we can have a little "meeting" in the office where you tell me AGAIN how I am in the wrong for fucking sticking up for myself. And I will bite my tounge ONLYYYYYYYYY because I need my job. NOT because I think you are right in ANY WAY.

But the truth is I fucking hate you. I despise you. Your a faggot fucking Republican. Get a life. Better yet- Go fuck your fat wife.





Sorry for all the CAPS. But obviously, I am pissed :)

Writers Block

I am still alive.....I just have nothing to say.

Soo...

remember that crazy girl I was telling you about a few posts ago? Well, I ended up going over to her house one day before work and.....ugh................I DUNNNNNOOO. Shes the same ol' girl. Nothing changed. I don't think I expected it too though. I think I thought that maybe I would just have enough patience this time to "stand" her for longer ?? NOT a good way to go back into a friendship and maybe I should of took that as clue #1.

Her house was TRASHED. Like ewwww dirrrrrtty. Shit everywhere. Old pizza boxes, Silvermine Subs wrappers laying on the living room floor from 2 weeks ago, FULL nasty ashtrays (even one resting on the back of the toilet in the bathroom- so she can smoke and piss at the same time I guess...ew). Her body looked skinnier than ever too. A sure sign that she is still doing lots of drugs at work everyday.

So I drove her to work on my way in bc our clubs are literally 1 block away from each others. She hugged me when she got out of the car and said "Thanks again and it was really good seeing you again" ............

At about 2 am that night when I was getting dressed to go home after a long night at work, my phone started ringing and it was her. Probably wanting a ride home. I didn't answer because somewhere inside I knew it was a bad idea to even reconnect with her in the first place. Plus one of my very good friends was like "i dunno Natalie, i think you should just leave it alone. You are better off without her" Shes right. Completely right.

So about 3 days went by and I didn't call her back or text her or anything. Well today I got a myspace message from her that said "I never heard back from you- gimme a call or something" and instantly I feel this gross anxiety. I do not wanna call her back. I wish so much that I wouldn't have even gotten back in touch with her ever in the first place!!!! ugh.

lol.....the shit i get myself into, i swear.......

Long Distance Lovin'

Text message I got from Brian a little while ago: "Falling in love with you was the easiest thing I've done in my life. Miss you more. Goodnight lover."


*blushes*

teehhheeee :)

I'm a lucky girl.

Sad

Brian is leaving in a few hours to go on a 16 hour truck ride all the fucking way to Texas for work.

:(

I will miss him terribly.

He's napping on the couch right now and I am typing this in tears because he looks so peaceful and perfect over there and I don't want him to leave :(

Toxic Friends

I have an old friend that I have been thinking alot about the last couple days

Well...shes not so much of a friend anymore. Shes more like a basketcase that I never want to deal with again, yet....I feel theres a reason she has been on my mind lately.

For instance...yesterday I was surfing through my computer files and I came across a picture of the two of us. It was on 420 at the Capitol Building and we had the most amazing day!! SOOO much fun! We had a lot of really fun times together but sometimes the bad times overshadow the good times and it becomes not worth it to be her friend anymore...and I am not the type to just "give up" on a friendship

She has major drug and alcohol issues, abandonment issues, men issues, cling-on issues....etc. She is also a dancer and ohhhh man that just feeds all her addictions in the worst way. Anyway, all these things combine and turn her into a monster that I do not want to be around. We had a fight about a year ago and I havent talked or heard from her since. Last night she appeared throughout my dream so I woke up with her on my mind and I needed to get it out of my system. I do not want to be friends with her again but there is a small part of me that almost feels guilty for not being her friend. I mean- she needs someone. She doesnt have anybody. I take that back- she has people/friends but they are just as worse of and lost in this world as she is. I feel like I was a stable example for her in her life....o well....my thoughts are, frankly, that she blew it. OH and heres the kicker.....theres another strip club literally behind my club. Like on the next block directly behind us. Walking distance. And I believe thats where shes working (she is no longer allowed on the property of my club bc of her drunken antics while she worked here with me) and sometimes while Im at work I think about how shes just an arm reach away over there...probably wasted. And I feel for her.

I call these Toxic Friends. Deep down she has a heart of gold. And I know she is just drowning in this world of misery and drugs and fake people but u know what- Only you can change your life- I cannot do it for you. I tried to show you the way and I sacrificed a lot of time away from my own life and my own family so that I could try and help you (Staying the night with her when she called me at 3 am in tears AGAIN) If someone refused to accept that sort of help and love and nurturing in their life...then thats it.

I do feel a bit guilty because no matter how she acts or the things I hear from other girls about her- I know shes still struggling and lost inside. And I always feel for lost souls because I too was once in their shoes and I understand how they are feeling.

But for me- when Brian walked into my life and took me out of that dark depression I knew it, I recognized it and I went for it! My life has totally changed because I let the truth in finally.

Needed to clear my head of this junk.....

I gotta work tonight and I dont want t his crap getting into my mind....

Day off Post

Me and some friends went bowling last Thursday, it was a freaking blast. I won the first game =) I encourage everyone to go bowling. Its a great way to let out some pent up aggression and huck a 9 lb. bowling ball down an alley. Sweet. I am on the far right =)

Work has been really great for me lately. I have been making good/decent money for the last 2 weeks and I have been feeling really great and energetic and sexy!

I avent been nervous or freaked out at all. So that tells me that I am capable and on those days when I do freak out- I shouldnt. go figure.

My home life is going great also. B and I have been having great sex and I have been performing amazing blow jobs (LOL YAY). =)

So my new favorite song in "Miles Away" by Madonna. Its an amazingly cool song and my club always plays the remix at work and its SICK! I LOVE IT! I was doing a dance when the remix played last night and normally I would be pissy because its a 6 minute song.....but not this time! I was in my own world just dancing and being sexy and singing along..hhaaa.....then at the end of the song when I came back down to the ground my customer said " You have a good singing voice" lol I said thank you but felt bad that maybe i hadnt paid as much attention to him as i shouldve .....but its not like i was singing every word LOUD. I was just singing along to the chorus underneath my breath. I think it was that my eyes were closed and i didnt chat with him during the dance that made him think i was crazy lol who cares Anyway- great song. Go Madonna!

Its my day off today (SUNDAY WOOOOT!!) So I am going to spoil my lover today.....I am making his favorite ham and potato soup with homeade garlic croutons on top :) So yummy. I have some leftover shredded chicken breast too so I was thinking of adding it to the soup but Im not sure....ham AND chicken? Kinda sounds weird but kinda sounds SOOOOOO good =)

Life is a runaway train you can't wait to jump onnnnnn

I didnt get to bed until super late last night. and then I slept until 2pm. yay.

Work was good last night. I made almost 600 bucks! Yipppeeee =) It was snowing all night too so I thought for sure the club was doomed as everyone would want to stay home and out of the bad weather. But it was pretty busy and everyone was very nice to me and complimentry. It was nice! When it was time to leave people were saying that the roads were super icy and everyone should drive very carefuln (I drive an hour up the highway home). To my suprise the roads were completely fine!!!!! Leave it to Coloradoans to freak out over a little snow.

B was riding his 4x4 yesterday out in the feild and he melted the rubber on his pants to the hot pipe on the 4 wheeler....bummer. This morning we tried everything we had in the shed to get it off (including a heat gun) nothing was working so I called up the 4x4 shop and they suggested trying "Oven-Off". You know, oven cleaner..... so we got some, spray it on, and Voila! It wiped right off :) yay. Shiny new chrome pipe again....now we just gotta get him some new pants :)

I am working again tonight and I hope it goes as well as last night....

Sorry that I never have any interesting stripper stories for ya'll. I guess when something weird happens I just try to forget about it and go on with my night in a good mood. I'll will try to keep my blog in mind though whenever anything weird happens hahaaa...

Oh wait!!!!!! I do have 1 semi-weird thing. I have this regular named S. He comes in every Friday and gives me cash and we hang out blah blhaaaa. So he hasnt been in in almost a month!! WTF. Anyway, yesterday he texted me that he was in Las Vegas. because he has a 2Hour fuck session planned with professional escort, Nikki Avalon. *grumble* Good for him, seeing as that I would NEVER fuck him and he knows it....but uggghhh don't tell me about your sordid affairs dude. I know he just tells me to get me jealous- but really all it does it FREAK ME OUT about him more. Hes a habitual escort/massage parlor visitor. A little sad, if u ask me :(

Till next time

xoxoxoox

Rambles

I have a bad habit of getting bored and wanting to shop. There really isn't anything I need I just want to go spend the money. so so bad.

I just completely paid of my credit card and so now I feel like I "deserve" to spend 400 bucks shopping online! NOooooooo Natalie.

I keep telling myself that I should reward myself by not charging up my card again this month and therefore not having a bill to pay next month ..... lol

I am slowly getting better. All I have been doing is dosing up on NyQuil, sleeping and eating.

I am going to work Friday and Saturday, and I am actually pretty excited about it. My last shift was really good and maybe I am just tired of sitting around the house...either way, I'm happy to go and that's something that hasn't happened in a long long while.

Another thing I have been thinking about lately is my house decor. I cant stand it!!!!!!! We live in an old rental house...so its not like I want to redo the entire fucking house but damn! You guys- I have bunny rabbit wallpaper in my kitchen. It makes me wanna puke every time I walk in there. B keeps promising that he will talk to the landlord about making some renovations and taking down the horrid wallpaper and putting a fresh coat of white down...but....i don't think he actually has. Brian's take on it is that I should be happy about the rent I am paying (only 825/month, which is CHEAP for where we live), and i should keep in mind that other than the few things that bother me, its a really gorgeous house in a perfect spot.

ugh. i dunno.

my woman instincts to re decorate are driving me crazy

when i was a kid i used to re arrange my room on a weekly basis.

NOW I feel like I'm living in a hippy house. I mean- i have a poster of bob Marley hanging in my kitchen still.

When I try to do small things to make myself happier like take down the bob Marley poster b will say "WTF wheres my poster?" He notices every time!!!! He had an old dusty Coors Light neon sign (no joke) hanging above my fireplace for the longest time....one week when he was away on a trip, I took it down and hung some family pictures up instead...I thought about throwing the Coors light sign away but I could just hear him "@$#@%" Sooo, I put it underneath the couch for storage..... as soon as he got home he noticed right away, "wtf whatd u do with my sign??" i said "don't u think this picture of our family looks better?" i told him of course i didn't toss it it was under the couch and i said "damn u seem reeeeaally worried about that neon sign!" he said it reminds him of his childhood blah llha blah childhood drinking beer?! lol


I told him the next house we live in please please I must take control over the decorating...its my female right...and he said ok i can but i have to stop complaining about how we live now.

hahahaa

I'm picky I guess. but damn!!!!

I went on HGTV.com and they have soooooooooooooo many beautiful pictures of professionally designed rooms! Jealous!!!

One day I will have the home of my dreams and he will have an entire basement to hang his dusty old beer signs and plug in his Lava lamps. Ill be glad when I never have to look at them again!!!!!!!!!!!!


One of my new Favorite websites: http://www.tastespotting.com/ LOVE IT! Its like eating without the calories =) Another: www.SeriousEats.com this is a very popular food website that I have grown to love love lOVE. Its the first page I visit every morning after my email =)

OH! And I really need to start working out again. B got me a gift certificate to my favorite tanning salon so maybe I will go tan tomorrow before work.....really I think I would feel the best if I had been working out this whole time....

I just really cant get motivated! How does everyone else do it?

My main problem I think is I stay up late and sleep in. Today I woke up at 2 in the afternoon! Not good. But when I get home from work at 3 then I have to wind down and shower and everything it is probably 5 am ...so my sleep gets all messed up. It was gorgeous out today too I should've just GOT UP and took a nice refreshing shower, thrown some clothes on and went for a walk! But I didn't so......blaahh.

Sorry about my randomness- I sometimes leave my blogger up all day and just write every so often when I feel the urge. I realize I can be a bit confusing if you don't know me personally (or even when you do know me personally hahahaaa!)


Right now my B is on the couch next to me sleeping with the fur babies all curled up next to him sleeping too. aww. I am grateful =)

Tonight we watched this crazy movie with Leonardo DiCaprio called "Body of Lies" Meh, its loooong and boring. I got on my laptop to tinker around and B fell asleep. So there ya go.

Tonight for dinner I made Asiago cheese and Bacon stuffed Pork Chops with sweet corn and white cheddar mashed potatoes mmmmmmmmmm. It was delicious!!!!! Every last crumb was enjoyed!! I shoulda took a picture it was so gorgeous looking!

(going back to my lazy non working out fat ass)

ok i am not a fat ass. but i LOOOOVE food. Im Italian, therefore, I spent more time in the kitchen growing up than most kids I hung out with. I loved it. I hate dieting and I will never stop eating pasta and cheese and wine and all the yummy things in life.

With that said I have to get serious about working out!! LOL. Especially since dancing around half naked is my job :P BOO!


THIS is terrible...

http://www.tmz.com/2009/02/19/patrick-swayze-photo/

Poor Patrick Swayze is dying of cancer...
I know lots of people die of cancer everyday, and I feel for them also, but my heart just breaks seeing this photo of him.


Man I kind of wish I was at work right now....I feel like crap and I know I shouldn't be there but whenever I get a dash of motivation I feel like I should be using it! Instead of sitting here rambling on....

Blehhh

So for the last two night I have tossed and turn aand woke up feeling like SHIT! I think its because I can feel a draft coming in the window right by my head when I sleep! Ack!

The worst part of not being able to breathe through your nose is that you must breathe through your mouth and i turn, my mouth is SOOOO dry. Ew! Not fun damnit.

Anyway, I have been pumped up on the Nyquil for a few days and I suppose I will take some more in a bit......ahhhhhhhh!!!

Kaaaa-Ching!!

Finally! Geez....I was reeeeealllly starting to be down about my job. I was freaking out. Leave it to freaking Valentine's Day for it to redeem itself!!

I had a wonderful morning at home with my love and my animals. Then work was awesome! My hair was good tonight, I got lots of compliments on it. My outfit was completely adorable (My friend at KittenStitches from previous post), and it was just a great vibe!!

I even got mad at my DJ for a sec because I was doing Double Trouble (2 girls dance together) with another girl and each set he would announce her name but not mine!! Geez man, your job isnt that hard....just gets the names right and play the music.

I got over it though because my night was going so well that I only cared for half a second, then I coulda cared fucking less =)

I need to shower and get to bed though because B and I are going out for sunday breakfast in the morning! Yay!

xoxoxoxoxo

...

Work was better last night than it has been in a while for me. I wasnt scared to talk to people in the beginning of the night. My nerves were actually fairly good. It was probably the margarita I had =)

Towards the middlish-end of the night I was getting BORED and I was tired of being rejected so I kind of gave up. oh well.

Tonight I will just try not to get discouraged with all the "no thank yous" and the "maybe laters"

Actually....I felt like the more I hung out with guys and was in a good mood the faster the time went by =)


oh! My friend made a Valentines outfit for me!! She is an awesome designer/seamstress chick :) We took a picture of it and maybe I can post it for ya'll to look at later..... Go to her website and check out her stuff!!!!

http://www.kittenstitches.etsy.com/

xoxoxo

Tips for a Romatic Valentine's Day

1. Make your own valentine for her/him. Its not hard...just get some construction paper, markers and Elmers glue. If you wanna REALLY seal the deal, write her a short love letter or poem on it. Just make sure it expresses your personality.


2. Get an old shoebox, tape red construction paper all around the top and sides (or whatever color you prefer) and fill the box with favorite photographs, love letters, keepsakes from special occasions, movie tickets...etc.


3. Make an old skool CD of your favorite songs (don't forget to add the really cheesy, mushy songs for some laughs). Buy some Classic love movies or some of her all time favs and wrap them all together with red ribbon.


4. You can't go wrong with Jewelry. Its always a favorite. For the woman in your life, buy a heart-shaped locket and put a picture of yourself in it. Personalize the locket with her initialls so she’ll have something to wear that’s hers alone. It makes it extra special. Give it to her as shes getting dressed to go out to dinner...you cant lose =)


5. Give her flowers. Not just a plain dozen of red roses. Try white roses....they mean eternal love and loyalty. Plus, they will look great on your counter all week and they will remind her how much you love her everytime she walks by.


6. I'm a big fan of this one: Make your honey's favorite dinner and serve it on a romantically set table and dine by candlelight on Valentine’s Day. Even if you are not a great cook or have never done it let me tell you- you are already WAY ahead of the game because at least u tried! Anyone can make a reservation for petes sake.


7. Give the man in your life a personalized gift for his favorite hobby. Your man loves Football? Buy him a new pigskin and deliver it to him topless =)



8. These days, just having time alone together is precious. Plan a romantic getaway. Even if its just spending the day lounging in the backyard together....



9. If you are planning on asking her to marry you (so cliche), then hide the engagement ring in a box of candy or in a flute filled with champagne. Dont overthink the proposal...your nerves will be going full speed as it is....just keep it simple...



10. If you want to propose at home(much better idea), sprinkle rose petals around the house. and light as many candles as you can to set the mood. You will know when the time is right =)




XOXOXOXO

wow.

I was just going back thru some of my post and re-reading them.

Damn, I'm moody!

xoxo

When it rains it pours....

Ok so maybe it's not THAT bad. But damn...where did all the money go?? I used to make a good fairly decent average of 3-4oo bucks a shift. NOW I'm lucky to make 200 bucks on a Saturday night.

Now I will say- Strippers are the best complainers. When its good- Its REAL good. REAL good. But man oh man when its bad.....its shit.

Everyone just wants to hang out and drink lately and nobody wants to buy dances and have fun!!!!!

This "economy" crap can suck it.

Maybe its my attitude. But frankly, I don't care. I'd rather stay home.

I need to start working out again and clear my head a little.

Hieee

Well it snowed here today! Not much but enough to make everything nasty and muddy outside. B and I stayed in and watched the movie, "Frank and Miri make a Porno" It was pretty funny! We enjoyed it and I made Beef Stew in the crockpot for dinner....Now we are just laying here listening to the fire crackle....

work last weekend was HELLISH. This week I got Wed, Fri and Sat so maybe that will be better for me having the week broken up a bit more...

My mom may be in Denver on Sunday so it would be cool to see her!!

Anyway, I made some changes to my blog and I posted a list of all the blogs I have been following ....I am always looking for new stuff to zone out on and read....

Things I am interested in:

FOOD
Stripping and/or Strippers

Money management

Funny stuff

420

Animals

Specifically Chihuahuas

music!!!!!

movies

art

Fitness (well...trying to get more into it)

Nature

Drugs

TRAVEL!!!!

Fashion

Shoes!

Beauty/Skincare Products

...etc

There's so much crap out there that I am interested in but that is just a dent in some topics of blogs I have been searching lately.....if anyone knows of any good ones out there lemme know...

You can also friend me on MySpace www.myspace.com/natalie7311984

xoxoxoxo

Thank you 5 HTP

After my horrible anxiety the Friday night my friend gave me a 5 HTP pill. Its a natural mood enhancer you can buy at Walmart...She takes one @ 7 and it last her all night so thats what I did.

It definetly works. I have taken them before but its been a while. I was in a really great mood consistently all night with no alcohol!!! It was great! Tonight I will take another.....Drink water and eat with it bc it can give you a headache if you take too much or whatever... This pic above is a 100 mg but I think I took a 50 mg. (?) last night and it suited me just fine...

ANYWAY- it was SUPER crowded at work last night again. Abunch of asshole bachelor parties and lots of women last night! Drunk fun women :) So that was good. I ended up making only 250 bucks but...meh, Im happy.

When I woke up this morning B had made me breakfast !!! yay!! Eggs and bacon and potatoes :) And a big glass of ice cold chocolate milk. He spoils me!

My body is sooo sore so I may take an extra long hot bath before work tonight...and maybe a nap beforehand too..

Completely Anti Social

Last night in my club was awesome. It was busy and everyone was nice and all the girls were getting dance after dance......except me.

I mean- I did alright. I'm really happy with what I made BUT I am not very happy with myself. I could have been more social. I should've been more social. I probably could've doubled what I made had I just walked up to people and hung out and been fun! Instead I walked in feeling really great anf hot and pumped...then the anxiety started creeeeeeeping up on me. Do I look ok? Do these guys even have money? (obviously they did bc everyone else made their money) Am I gonna say the right thing? I really just got so nervous that all I could do was sit downstairs by my locker texting my babe. He kept saying, "Its ok...just go up there and smile and be yourself....If you can't then just come home" I'm pathetic.

So a few times in the night when I got up enough courage to talk to people then I would get dances. Or a few extra tips on my stage set. So I know I can do it- Its just.....after almost 7 years of dancing I am SOOOOO over it. I'm just not good at it anymore. My mind is always somewhere else. Well I guess I shouldnt say that bc when I am on the ball- I do great. Its just so hard to get on the ball these days.

The reason I got sent home a while back is bc my boss said I was wasted (If I drink-its usually one MAYBE 2 glasses of wine all night) and yelled at a customer. ugh. Soooooo I though about having a glass of wine last night to take the edge away and become a little more social but I didnt bc I was too scared to go ask him for a drink ticket!!! lol.

I CANNOT let this happen to me again tonight. I need to try and relax better bc I cant put myself through that again!! My stomach was in knots I was getting hot fucking flashes I swear and Im only 24. =)

I can do this I can do this

Lately Ive been super self concious too. All the girls at my job are so pretty and tan and blonde. Dont get me wrong- I know Im a beatuiful girl and I have a great body (some days) but I dunno....Their attitudes really take them that extra mile. I need an attitude adjustment. I need something. It seems guys love the "stripper" type and I just cant fake it lately.

Back to work

I haven't worked in 2 weeks...and the last night I was there my boss was really pissed at me and sent me home early. Ugh. I am dreading going in tonight but I NEED the money and I can't just hide out in my house forever which is what I really want to do. Everyone has told me how shitty it has been in there so I am not happy about that either. And I am just not ready for all the girls and the music and the dorky old men and the rude obnoxious DJ and THE DRIVE (I drive 1 hour to work and another hour home at 3 am ugh)

I guess I should think about the things I am excited about : The dressing up part =) I love the hair and makeup and eyelashes and all of that. I don't wear anything when I am home because B prefers me with a naked face. But when I get the chance to glam up I really love it. Maybe I should take a pic tonight and post it on here? ANYWAY- I also am very excited to see the few particular girls that are my friends and I trust and they love me back. Mostly just V and P =) I am excited for the attention!!!!! I love when the guys stare at me like I am the sexiest thing they have ever seen- even though that's usually overshadowed by the cheesy song that's playing- and the lame 1 dollar tip he just gave me =( Most of all I will be happy to come home with some cash in my pocket $$$$$ I hope. Cross your fingers.

With all this said- I am not going to get myself all worked up and anxious. Mostly just anxious about the drive. It can be really long and nerve wracking driving down that highway at 6 o'clock in the evening on a Friday night. Luckily when I get off work at 3 am the drive will be super easy and fine since I will be the only one on the road. I am going to light a candle and do my makeup in my living room with my babe (who came home last night yipppee) and drink some hot tea.

Deep Breaths. No anxiety attacks.

xoxoxoxo

Still not feeling it

Its a gorgeous day out, I've had plenty of rest (2 weeks worth) and yet, I still don't feel like doing anything :(

I should go to work considering all my bills are late right now and B is gone anyway. I'm scheduled on Friday, Saturday and Sunday so I'll just wait and go in then...

My chihuahua has been growing SO fast! She is 3.1 lbs now =D Yesterday I threw the ball in the backyard for a good hour and she just raaaaaaan her little heart out! Maybe we will go and do it again today.

Other than that, I have nothing interesting to talk about. xoxo

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Haven't really felt like writing since I got home. I have had a terrible headache and I've been pumped up on NyQuil and its not helping...ugh.

B had to leave as soon as I got home. He'll be gone working in Idaho for at least a week. BOO! I only got to see hi for a few hours when I got home then he had to go.... =( I miss him badly.

From what I've been hearing from my friends the club totally sucked while I was gone...so I'm not looking forward to that either.

Basically I have no happy news. I am pretty much just sad and lonely bc I miss everyone ='(

My animals keep me company and i just LOVE them. They make me smile when I'm sad.

Back to Reality

I have to leave Arizona tonight =( bah!!

I hate leaving my sister =(

Its good to know my family loves me always and forever though. I have a very blessed life!!!!!!

Can't wait to see my seXXXy man and my little fur babies!!

Now its back to reality.

xoxo

Desperate women

So B went out to the bar last night with a friend to play some pool. When he got there a girl named Dana who he has known all his life was there also. She walked up to brian and said,"wheres natalie?" he says "shes out of town this week"......Im sure her eyes just twinkled at the THOUGHT.....

so they continued playing pool when she came over, sat on their table, and said "So are you buying my beer, or what?" Brian, who is always a gentlemen, said sure and to go ahead and put it on his tab.....

So later on when they were ready to go home Dana stumbled up to him (DRUNK) and asked if he could take her home. LOL. Brian said sorry he couldnt drive her home bc he already had to drop his friend off on his way. Brian offfered her 20 bucks for a cab, but she refused saying that she could pay for her own cab but really she just wanted to "talk" with an old friend.

Some girls might be upset by this- but I was completely impressed. My man had complete control over the situation all while still being nice and respectful.

Even though she was throwing herself at him, I think Brian handled the situation perfectly :)

I'm a lucky girl!!!!!! xoxoxoxoxoo

Slackin'

I havent worked out since Ive been here. I brought my dvd's and my weights but......bleh...i dont wanna.

hahaaaaa..baaaad natalie.

o well. I will get back to it when I get home

For now I just wanna hang out and be lazy so thats what I'm gonna do damnit =)

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If you know me personally (which there is only 1 person on my blog that I actually DO know personally) then you know I am a BIG foodie. I love food.

Well my sister is married to a mexican man (we are Italian) and has two little mexicana princess baby girls :)
So today I said, "lets make enchiladas for dinner tonight" My sister said "ok....BUT....its never gonna be the same as Lucas's grandma's so dont be offended" lol

I decided to go totally opposite of regular red chile enchiladas and I made Sour Cream Chicken Enchiladas made with mild green chiles (the way my B loves it) it was DELICIOUS and everyone loved them. My sister ate two whole plates and said they were "different but very very good"

Score one for the Gringo :)



My friend told me that last night at the club was terrible. She walked with 10 bucks. Seriously. WTF. Our club has been sooooooo packed lately but for some reason nobody has been making money!!! They are all there to drink and "just hang out" and sit back and STARE for free. Even worse is that she says the DJ did not announce anything about private dances or tipping the girls or anything. LAME. Our DJ sucks.

Example: His booth is directly behind our main stage and there is a fog machine only on this stage (disgusting smelly nasty fog shoots out) welllllllll, we are all very suspicious bc he always has weird ppl hanging out in his booth and usually his nasty washed up wife too. Well, a couple months ago I noticed he would turn on the fog machine and get the room SUPER foggy so that he could take a hit from his CRACK PIPE real quick and nobody would notice bc of the immense amount of fog. Gross. What a loser. His wife too. Not to worry though- if I felt like at ANY time I was inhaling that shit.....I would tell someone (not that my managment gives a FUCK about what dancers say). Until then, I will ignore the stupid asshole and go on about my business. I dont wanna lose my job for "tattling" EVEN THOUGH umm its completely illegal and sick and disgusting what he does. He is always sooo SWEATYYY too. Thats the cocaine. yuck. We hate tipping him bc we know what an ss he is and we know exactly what the tip money will be spent on. ugh.

SOOOO glad to be away from that place for a bit.


changing the subject


The girls are upstairs taking their bath before bed right now and as soon as she gets out I told her I would paint her toes pink for her (shes only 4, so shes only allowed to paint her toes, not her fingers) :) So cute. Life is good.

Phoenixxxxxxxx

I love my family. These kids kick ass and my sister rules =)

Just the break fom reality I needed.

My head is clearing and I looooooooove it.

Although- I do miss my babe pretty bad. He's so good to me!!! Im lucky and spoiled ROTTEN! LOL

wooooooooooot O happy Day

xoxoxo

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Last night at work was ok. My friend D hooked me up with a super cool guy at the beginning of the night ..

at our locker downstairs she says " HEY! Theres a guy up there, his name is J, I told him I was sending you upstairs to say hello. He's kind of having a bad day so I know you can cheer him up"

Sweet!

I get up there and see a dude that fits the description she gave me..... I crouched down next to him with my hand on his back, smiled the best I could, and said "Hi are you John?" He looked noticably drunk, but a good drunk, could still hold a conversation. "Yep Im John"

We sat and laughed and talked for about 1 hour...lol, strangely I was even attracted to him. He had really great eyes. Very soulful, if that makes sense. He made me laugh and I made him laugh and never even asked him about his bad day...it was great. I think its what we both needed and I found myself thinking about that connection we had allllllll night and into this morning (obviously)

It wasnt even a sexual connection so much. I mean DUUUUH there DEF was some sex chemistry. But Im a taken woman and it was probabbly bc I was half naked in front of him anyway BUT it waas something more. Like a weird emotional connection. It was like we had known each other in another life.

creepy....i know lol


So moral of the story....thank you D :)

UGH.

So I got up and worked out this morning again.... well I tried anyway.

I got about 4 minutes into my workout and SERIOUSLY I was already feeling winded. I thought I was in pretty good shape from stripping but nooooooooooo way.

OK so 4 minutes in and I'm huffing and puffing....the fat girls in the video are barely sweating WTF.

Im trying as hard as I can and frankly I think I am doing pretty good bc I was semi-keeping up and pushing myself

THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

B walks in the door and says " Those girls are kicking their leg out way further babe....do it better."

EXSCUSE ME??

I'm the one TRYING here. Support me don't discourage me!! I started crying of course bc my feelers were hurt and I was in pain and just felt likw crying. THEN his tune changed. He said
"im sorry honey, you are doing great, I just want you to get the max workout for your effort"

Yeah whatever.... ugh


He messed up and said a stupid thing and it totally ruined my workout for the day!!! Or maybe I am the one that ruined it for myself by letting him get me down.

Tomorrow I shall try again

xoxo

Jillian Michaels is a bad ass

She is the trainer from the show, The Biggest Loser.....anyway, my friend Paris told me she was a bad ass trainer so I read some really good reviews onloine last night about her 30 day Shred video. I got up this morning and went to Barnes and Noble and got it came home and

OMG

My legs are sore. HOLY CRAP.

I have never worked out in my life and I knew it was gonna be bad but

JESUS CHRIST.



The actual routine was only kinda hard, I got super sweaty and winded lol, but i'm sure after a few more days I will be ready to go to Level 2.....


Bleh :)

When do you speak up?

Sunday was a strange shift

I talked to a few different people at the beginning of the night that just made me feel WAY more alienated.


Im starting to think I am the weird one in the room.

Gimme my chair BITCH

I get to work last night, baaarely make it to my locker to set all my shit down and Alabama says "DUDE there were drug dogs in here last night going through locker" Freaking out.

Afew hours later I am up in the VIP with S and I see her sitting a few tables over with a regular. OMG she's STILL talking about the dogs!!!!! lol

At the end of the night after Platter when we are all walking downstairs, she is in front of me talking to Nicole saying "ooh shit dude omg what about the dogs?? im freaking out" Nicole lookede VERY irritated.

Bama- don't make yourself so obvious. Seriously. Everyone knows you had coke in your locker and bag and up your nose. Its ok. Just ditch it and SHUT THE FUCK UP about it. Nobody cares.



....


I sat in the vip with S last night, who frankly, I'M FUCKING SICK OF. He can be really cool but I nooooooooooooot worth it anymore. We talked a bit about my brother and he told me some really nice, sweet things and gave me really good advice BUT ugh I dunno. He can be SO disrespectful and Cool at the same time!! I guess it comes down tot how much money he is giving me. Which, with the way my club has been lately, its pretty good for a shift. So I only have to see him once a week, sometimes once every 2 weeks, so I'll hang in there


J texted me- "Hey babe, I hope you have a great weekend!!!!" Soooooo I guess that means hes NOT coming in this weekend?? I cant be greedy and expect him to give me that much money weekly and regulary?? or can i? Either way, Ill give him a week off but next weekend he owes me bc Im going to Pheonix and I need $$$$$$$$$$$$ :) Im a greedy bitch sometimes.



When we get downtairs after platter to get ready to go me and my locker corner (me, and 3 other girls plus kendra and sometimes Crissy lol) all grab chairs and sit in front of our lockers and talk, get dressed, count money blah blah. Last night I was grouchy and tired. I pulled my chair up to my locker then decided to go get some soup from the housemom. I said "Hey nobody take my chair K? Ill be RIGHT back bitches" ok seriously, 4 seconds later I come back and this stupid BITCH who, get this, has two neon orange star tatoos AROUND both of her nipples ANNNND a "Made in Malaysia" tattoo on her ASS, is sitting in my fucking chair counting her money. BITCH. So I said louddly, "THANKS ALOT BITCH I'm not feelin great and I asked nobody to take my chair!!!!!" She pretended like sh didnt hear me and all my friends lol were loike "Here babe sit in my chair/share with me/lemme go get you another chair" LOL I love my girls.......The Angelica leaned ove to me and said "I will roll that bitch and we'll get your fucking chair" Paris said"We'll fuck her up dude that was fucked up" LOL and poor V said
"Uh I didnt even hear you lololololo"


The moral of this story is hahhahahaaaaaaa We are mean. Well\, I am mean. I got super upset over a DISGUSTING old strip club blue fucking makeup chair. My friends were ready to jump her. hahahaaa.

Either way, I wanted my damn chair! so childish

Then I cried on my drive home bc I was sad about my brother. I actually yelled out loud in my car what I would've said to him". I probably looked funny but, for me, it really helped get o9ut my aggression and stresses.....ugh.

B woke up and sat with me while I scarfed down a lean cuisine. I was crying and eating all at once and he sat next to me rubbing my back. HES AMAZING. I'm so lucky. He turned my shower on for me and said "leave ur plate there, Ill get it" So I set my dinner plate in the coffee table and got into the shower, and then fell asleep HARD.


No regulars coming in tonight. I am going to try to keep a bright smile on my face and an open mind.... hopefully it brings the $$$$

ok....maybe I'm NOT over it

I just cant help but feel sad for him. I want my brother to live a happy healthy life full of laughter and great friends and someone he truly loves.

But its never gonna happen at the rate hes going

Ppl say "he'll grow out of it" I bet he doesn't.


I bought my ticket to pheonix to go see my sister and the kids for a week. It will be so great to see her I CANNOT even wait. Shes my BFF :) And the kids fill my soul, and my soul has been emptying slowly lately due to my SELFISH brother.

Made Cheesy Manicotti for dinner w/ homeade garlic rolls. It was delish...B said it was one of the best dinners I have made :) Succcesss!

I'm working Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I sure hope my shifts are decent!!!!!! Lately its been at least one horrible shift a week. Whats up with that shit anyway??


Annyway sorry I know Im jumping around subjects- but I think being with my sister will bring lots of much needed girl talk/family talk/ brother discussing therefore clearing my brain a tad of all the bullshit that has been clouding it up

At least my home life is good. me and B are as happy as ever and I love my life and my dogs and my everything......Just slight family crap that it starting to creep up and put a stink in things GRRRR

emotionally shocked

My brother texted me randomly again last night to tell me another sob story.

Shawn: My grandad is getting married and leaving me out on the streets...now im homeless

Me: Hes not leaving you homeless!! You are a grown man and you need to take care of yourself! Have you been looking for a job?

Shawn: Whatever natalie, you can go to hell. Im tired of asking you for help and getting nothing in return

Me: ????????? You treat me like shit. Stop texting me with your complaining about EVERYTHING. get a job and get a life.

Shawn: You are dead to me. I fucking hate you you peice of shit.


????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????






I dont know what to say to that. I never returned the text and he never wrote back. I cant be treated this way anymore even if it mean I no longer talk to my idiot baby brother (for a while anyway)

The only time we ever talk anyway is when hes got a problem (which is always).

I'm over it.

My night off...

What a kick ass night. B got a fire going in the living room for me! I got my puppies cuddled with me too yay :)

Made crock pot chicken tonight and some strawberry bread with cream cheese glaze over the top for dessert :) My man is so spoiled


May go get my hair trimmed tomorrow!!

Life is good
xoxo