Writers Block

I am still alive.....I just have nothing to say.

Soo...

remember that crazy girl I was telling you about a few posts ago? Well, I ended up going over to her house one day before work and.....ugh................I DUNNNNNOOO. Shes the same ol' girl. Nothing changed. I don't think I expected it too though. I think I thought that maybe I would just have enough patience this time to "stand" her for longer ?? NOT a good way to go back into a friendship and maybe I should of took that as clue #1.

Her house was TRASHED. Like ewwww dirrrrrtty. Shit everywhere. Old pizza boxes, Silvermine Subs wrappers laying on the living room floor from 2 weeks ago, FULL nasty ashtrays (even one resting on the back of the toilet in the bathroom- so she can smoke and piss at the same time I guess...ew). Her body looked skinnier than ever too. A sure sign that she is still doing lots of drugs at work everyday.

So I drove her to work on my way in bc our clubs are literally 1 block away from each others. She hugged me when she got out of the car and said "Thanks again and it was really good seeing you again" ............

At about 2 am that night when I was getting dressed to go home after a long night at work, my phone started ringing and it was her. Probably wanting a ride home. I didn't answer because somewhere inside I knew it was a bad idea to even reconnect with her in the first place. Plus one of my very good friends was like "i dunno Natalie, i think you should just leave it alone. You are better off without her" Shes right. Completely right.

So about 3 days went by and I didn't call her back or text her or anything. Well today I got a myspace message from her that said "I never heard back from you- gimme a call or something" and instantly I feel this gross anxiety. I do not wanna call her back. I wish so much that I wouldn't have even gotten back in touch with her ever in the first place!!!! ugh.

lol.....the shit i get myself into, i swear.......

Long Distance Lovin'

Text message I got from Brian a little while ago: "Falling in love with you was the easiest thing I've done in my life. Miss you more. Goodnight lover."


*blushes*

teehhheeee :)

I'm a lucky girl.

Sad

Brian is leaving in a few hours to go on a 16 hour truck ride all the fucking way to Texas for work.

:(

I will miss him terribly.

He's napping on the couch right now and I am typing this in tears because he looks so peaceful and perfect over there and I don't want him to leave :(

Toxic Friends

I have an old friend that I have been thinking alot about the last couple days

Well...shes not so much of a friend anymore. Shes more like a basketcase that I never want to deal with again, yet....I feel theres a reason she has been on my mind lately.

For instance...yesterday I was surfing through my computer files and I came across a picture of the two of us. It was on 420 at the Capitol Building and we had the most amazing day!! SOOO much fun! We had a lot of really fun times together but sometimes the bad times overshadow the good times and it becomes not worth it to be her friend anymore...and I am not the type to just "give up" on a friendship

She has major drug and alcohol issues, abandonment issues, men issues, cling-on issues....etc. She is also a dancer and ohhhh man that just feeds all her addictions in the worst way. Anyway, all these things combine and turn her into a monster that I do not want to be around. We had a fight about a year ago and I havent talked or heard from her since. Last night she appeared throughout my dream so I woke up with her on my mind and I needed to get it out of my system. I do not want to be friends with her again but there is a small part of me that almost feels guilty for not being her friend. I mean- she needs someone. She doesnt have anybody. I take that back- she has people/friends but they are just as worse of and lost in this world as she is. I feel like I was a stable example for her in her life....o well....my thoughts are, frankly, that she blew it. OH and heres the kicker.....theres another strip club literally behind my club. Like on the next block directly behind us. Walking distance. And I believe thats where shes working (she is no longer allowed on the property of my club bc of her drunken antics while she worked here with me) and sometimes while Im at work I think about how shes just an arm reach away over there...probably wasted. And I feel for her.

I call these Toxic Friends. Deep down she has a heart of gold. And I know she is just drowning in this world of misery and drugs and fake people but u know what- Only you can change your life- I cannot do it for you. I tried to show you the way and I sacrificed a lot of time away from my own life and my own family so that I could try and help you (Staying the night with her when she called me at 3 am in tears AGAIN) If someone refused to accept that sort of help and love and nurturing in their life...then thats it.

I do feel a bit guilty because no matter how she acts or the things I hear from other girls about her- I know shes still struggling and lost inside. And I always feel for lost souls because I too was once in their shoes and I understand how they are feeling.

But for me- when Brian walked into my life and took me out of that dark depression I knew it, I recognized it and I went for it! My life has totally changed because I let the truth in finally.

Needed to clear my head of this junk.....

I gotta work tonight and I dont want t his crap getting into my mind....

Day off Post

Me and some friends went bowling last Thursday, it was a freaking blast. I won the first game =) I encourage everyone to go bowling. Its a great way to let out some pent up aggression and huck a 9 lb. bowling ball down an alley. Sweet. I am on the far right =)

Work has been really great for me lately. I have been making good/decent money for the last 2 weeks and I have been feeling really great and energetic and sexy!

I avent been nervous or freaked out at all. So that tells me that I am capable and on those days when I do freak out- I shouldnt. go figure.

My home life is going great also. B and I have been having great sex and I have been performing amazing blow jobs (LOL YAY). =)

So my new favorite song in "Miles Away" by Madonna. Its an amazingly cool song and my club always plays the remix at work and its SICK! I LOVE IT! I was doing a dance when the remix played last night and normally I would be pissy because its a 6 minute song.....but not this time! I was in my own world just dancing and being sexy and singing along..hhaaa.....then at the end of the song when I came back down to the ground my customer said " You have a good singing voice" lol I said thank you but felt bad that maybe i hadnt paid as much attention to him as i shouldve .....but its not like i was singing every word LOUD. I was just singing along to the chorus underneath my breath. I think it was that my eyes were closed and i didnt chat with him during the dance that made him think i was crazy lol who cares Anyway- great song. Go Madonna!

Its my day off today (SUNDAY WOOOOT!!) So I am going to spoil my lover today.....I am making his favorite ham and potato soup with homeade garlic croutons on top :) So yummy. I have some leftover shredded chicken breast too so I was thinking of adding it to the soup but Im not sure....ham AND chicken? Kinda sounds weird but kinda sounds SOOOOOO good =)