Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Toxic Friends

I have an old friend that I have been thinking alot about the last couple days
Well...shes not so much of a friend anymore. Shes more like a basketcase that I never want to deal with again, yet....I feel theres a reason she has been on my mind lately.
For instance...yesterday I was surfing through my computer files and I came across a picture of the two of us. It was on 420 at the Capitol Building and we had the most amazing day!! SOOO much fun! We had a lot of really fun times together but sometimes the bad times overshadow the good times and it becomes not worth it to be her friend anymore...and I am not the type to just "give up" on a friendship
She has major drug and alcohol issues, abandonment issues, men issues, cling-on issues....etc. She is also a dancer and ohhhh man that just feeds all her addictions in the worst way. Anyway, all these things combine and turn her into a monster that I do not want to be around. We had a fight about a year ago and I havent talked or heard from her since. Last night she appeared throughout my dream so I woke up with her on my mind and I needed to get it out of my system. I do not want to be friends with her again but there is a small part of me that almost feels guilty for not being her friend. I mean- she needs someone. She doesnt have anybody. I take that back- she has people/friends but they are just as worse of and lost in this world as she is. I feel like I was a stable example for her in her life....o thoughts are, frankly, that she blew it. OH and heres the kicker.....theres another strip club literally behind my club. Like on the next block directly behind us. Walking distance. And I believe thats where shes working (she is no longer allowed on the property of my club bc of her drunken antics while she worked here with me) and sometimes while Im at work I think about how shes just an arm reach away over there...probably wasted. And I feel for her.
I call these Toxic Friends. Deep down she has a heart of gold. And I know she is just drowning in this world of misery and drugs and fake people but u know what- Only you can change your life- I cannot do it for you. I tried to show you the way and I sacrificed a lot of time away from my own life and my own family so that I could try and help you (Staying the night with her when she called me at 3 am in tears AGAIN) If someone refused to accept that sort of help and love and nurturing in their life...then thats it.
I do feel a bit guilty because no matter how she acts or the things I hear from other girls about her- I know shes still struggling and lost inside. And I always feel for lost souls because I too was once in their shoes and I understand how they are feeling.
But for me- when Brian walked into my life and took me out of that dark depression I knew it, I recognized it and I went for it! My life has totally changed because I let the truth in finally.
Needed to clear my head of this junk.....
I gotta work tonight and I dont want t his crap getting into my mind....

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