Saturday, February 7, 2009

Completely Anti Social

Last night in my club was awesome. It was busy and everyone was nice and all the girls were getting dance after dance......except me.

I mean- I did alright. I'm really happy with what I made BUT I am not very happy with myself. I could have been more social. I should've been more social. I probably could've doubled what I made had I just walked up to people and hung out and been fun! Instead I walked in feeling really great anf hot and pumped...then the anxiety started creeeeeeeping up on me. Do I look ok? Do these guys even have money? (obviously they did bc everyone else made their money) Am I gonna say the right thing? I really just got so nervous that all I could do was sit downstairs by my locker texting my babe. He kept saying, "Its ok...just go up there and smile and be yourself....If you can't then just come home" I'm pathetic.

So a few times in the night when I got up enough courage to talk to people then I would get dances. Or a few extra tips on my stage set. So I know I can do it- Its just.....after almost 7 years of dancing I am SOOOOO over it. I'm just not good at it anymore. My mind is always somewhere else. Well I guess I shouldnt say that bc when I am on the ball- I do great. Its just so hard to get on the ball these days.

The reason I got sent home a while back is bc my boss said I was wasted (If I drink-its usually one MAYBE 2 glasses of wine all night) and yelled at a customer. ugh. Soooooo I though about having a glass of wine last night to take the edge away and become a little more social but I didnt bc I was too scared to go ask him for a drink ticket!!! lol.

I CANNOT let this happen to me again tonight. I need to try and relax better bc I cant put myself through that again!! My stomach was in knots I was getting hot fucking flashes I swear and Im only 24. =)

I can do this I can do this

Lately Ive been super self concious too. All the girls at my job are so pretty and tan and blonde. Dont get me wrong- I know Im a beatuiful girl and I have a great body (some days) but I dunno....Their attitudes really take them that extra mile. I need an attitude adjustment. I need something. It seems guys love the "stripper" type and I just cant fake it lately.


  1. I know what you mean sweetie. As for your question in my blog, I got fired because of my blog. They said my blog (esp the superbowl entry) said negative things about the club. Whatever happened to the first amendment?

  2. @Natalie: gee, 7 years already. If you can't really take it any more, do you have other options?

    @Single Girl in Sin City: first amendment is a joke when it comes to work. It's like the equal-opportunity crap or the no-discrimination policies.
    You really expect me to believe that when an employer asks for my ethnic origin, it's only for statistics? For agencies, maybe. For the client, I really doubt it. And for the looks/education and freedom of speech, it's quite understandable: If I were a business owner, would I be keen on hiring someone who propagates an image in discordance with the business, or who talks with a language level not appropriate for the clients, or who bashes the company when we're not watching?

    Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's a *good* thing that it's like that. It's just how it is. I would highly prefer a society where looks and manners don't matter (education is still required for various levels of expertise though), and where you are free to trash-talk your way through. especially when it's done online and that technically, nothing proves it's you. You could have threatened them to go to court, I don't think they would have bothered collecting digital evidence to prove your the same person as the "blogger". Anyone else could be writing for you.